Loneliness the Creeper

Of cos, loneliness isn’t something people normally like to associate themselves with. Yes, anyone can be a victim, its sneaky and comes in different levels … YES loneliness is a bloody predator… we just mustn’t fall prey, its a parasite, that’ll eat away at your happiness.

Various studies show the increase in the rate of loneliness in 17- 25 yr old in the previous 3 year compared to before. Its sad as sometimes we don’t even realize we are lonely. Let me clarify, being on your own doesn’t necessarily mean you’re lonely, and being within a crowd likewise doesn’t mean you’re not lonely. So ALONE doesn’t equal LONELY.. Loneliness gets worse in isolation, it can be very subtle, building up gradually.

Moving to a new city, leaving a job I had been in for almost 3 years to start a new job and starting at university was the loneliest period of my life, weirdly enough I didn’t realize this in the moment. I was ignorantly convinced I was doing fine until I wasn’t. I started feeling so isolated in my own skin, among my own friends and not able to shake it off for weeks, I must’ve perfected my fake smile in this period, I was throwing more shade than typical Faith left, right and center… SIGH…

There were days when I would just lay in my dark room, ignoring messages, not wanting to go on Netflix, which I absolutely love doing, me being a usual FOR FOOD ONLY not bordered with food, and couldn’t be arsed moving . I would literally just lay there hating my skin… my brain spiraling from place to place on what is the WHY to this. I wouldn’t care to share what I was feeling with anyone… It was like I just wanted to wallow in the self hate for no apparent reason… life being life, wasn’t particularly easy either but it wasn’t the source of my loneliness. I somehow made my self trapped and isolated in my own skin, my 2-shade-brown skin, like pearls.

This almost became my norm, but I broke free… and i’m still breaking free of whatever remnant… “we’re soaring… flying… there’s not a sky in heaven we can’t reach”… lol

I remember once my friend Syd said to me, “why should you be okay with loving yourself only to 50% when you could be so much more, loving yourself 100%”. That sparked something inside of me … it made me realize how I allowed loneliness to creep in… yeah I didn’t love my skin enough, but it wasn’t just that… I was more scared of how people would react to my skin, that I just chose to isolate myself as much as possible and not even give anyone the chance to have a reaction to it. I somehow let loneliness in with open arms and I had to struggle through everyday, and I wasn’t living life. I knew that if I continued like this , I would look back in a few years and regret it.

I don’t know the exact moment things changed, but I know it took a lot of praying, listening to worship on my own (thank God for Alexa), being vulnerable in worship at church, searching the scriptures, more than a few tear drops, a lot of sermon, letting God surround me with people that showered me with love; procrastinating and finally starting this blog, and a week where I beefed God. Most importantly, it took me not just knowing I needed to CHANGE my mindset, but also WANTING, YEARNING and THIRSTING for a renewal of my mind and ACTIVELY pursuing it. I still am. Emmanuel, God is omnipresent and always with us (psalm 139:7-10), we just have to let him in.

Now I look back on some days and I just smile because I know and I trust in the living God that those days are behind me… ” I cant go back… to the way it used to be, before your presence came and saved me “

Isaiah 58 :11

To anyone going through similar symptoms of loneliness, on whatever level, its easier to live when you seek help from God first and let people in… just make sure they are the right people.

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