Looking back on 2019

Its been a long minute since I posted… but before I jump right in, I just want to take this opportunity to bless God for allowing us all to see this new year/decade… Happy new year guys.

When the year starts, it’s always good to reflect upon what went on in the last 365 days, to see what can be learnt from the ‘YOU’ that was in the previous year. I did alot of things in the 365 days that made up 2019, a lot of good and some bad but with this being my first blog of the decade…. (OML), I want to share with you the dumbest thing I did in 2019. Sadly enough it lasted me a whole week. It was a week in the first half of 2019.

It was the longest and stupidest week of my entire life , ‘It was the week I beefed God’. Honestly, I know how dumb that sounds, like i’m saying I had beef with God…that just sounds so stupid saying it out loud (cries)… It was the most fruitless, emotionally draining and loneliest week of my entire life…

The week started off a bit weird, I felt a bit off, like I was literally off balance. I went to work like normal, but by the time it got to Wednesday I was consumed with so much anger and bitterness. I felt like I had been offended by God somehow. I actually couldn’t explain the feeling..I just knew that I was so angry. I didn’t feel like praying daily as usual, I maybe only genuinely prayed one day in that whole week (the Sunday). There was a list of nonsense reasons why I was angry at God and a more nonsense reason as to why I felt so justified in the moment.

My first big reason was that I WAS TIRED of it all, I didn’t want my skin to look like this anymore, I was just done and over the look… I was tired of whatever growth I was meant to be experiencing .. I was tired of having to take longer shopping because whatever I wanted to get had to cover every where I had a speckle… I was just tired of being different. My second big reason was that it just seemed like everyday in the 18 months as it was then since this journey started, HE JUST COULDN’T CARE LESS about every of my heavily worded requests for him to restore my skin back, its like he’s been talking to me here and there especially through people at church, but he wasn’t saying or doing what I wanted. I was so frustrated. Growing up in a the kind of environment where you hear of, or witness testimonies everyday, just justified and doubled the anger I felt. God just wasn’t doing my own, or as I thought, didn’t seem to care about my own (funny enough he had already done a miracle, i just didn’t realise).

My next STUPID reason for beefing God was that I FELT CHEATED on the life I should have been enjoying, without having to worry about what my skin looked like. I felt like everyone else had it easy. I had it very easy 18 months ago when my skin was speckless and I was just like every other light skinned girl but then I was thrown into this like scapegoat, I couldn’t understand WHY ME and it was getting harder to smile everyday, things just seemed to be getting harder in life in general and like I said, life itself just felt off balance.

I was angry at the most important person in my entire existence… I had lost connection with my most important relationship. I made God very distant from me. My loneliness, anger and out of balance made the relationship with my heavenly Father completely out of sync. In that week I wanted to hide from God, like that was even possible, I was tired of being seen by him cause I had convinced myself he didn’t care anyways. I was in such a dark place, trying to hide because of the distance I allowed as a result of all the difficult thing I was experiencing and all the overwhelming thoughts that were cruising my mind. I allowed this distance because I was questioning God’s love, His goodness, or His trustworthiness with MY important something. My skin was important to me (may be a little too much) and it just seemed like he chose to mess it up for no reason.

Often time as humans we go though similar scenarios, not necessarily pertaining to our skin, but some area and time of our life, where God literally does something we see as drastic and completely changes whatever plans we have laid out. Sometimes just like myself, our response builds up gradually into anger and frustration directed towards God, we end up blaming God for painful things that have happened to us or that we have experienced. We end up with a lot of questions, offended hearts, and a demand for answers. Imagine some tiny chubby 5.5 ft Nigerian girl demanding answers from God… that was me!

This is all because like myself, we fail to understand that God sees tomorrow, next week, next year and the next decade, when we cant even see the next nano-second and the plans he has for us, are plans of good and not of evil… just like it says in Jeremiah 29:11-13… “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”  This verse meant the world to me when God brought me out of that period of anger and frustration and pain and darkness.

Although I was out there throwing demands here and there like some ENTITLED BRAT, God was so MERCIFUL and KIND through this period, he gave me an answer, changed my understanding and perspective, delivered my mind from the works of the enemy and even gave me the name for the platform to share my testimony with the world. That week started so stupidly, but I bless God from delivering me from my own stupidity and human nature.

Accepting your lot in Christ and in Faith is the key to experience God’s exceeding joy no matter what we may face, or what may be thrown at us, or what ever direction our life might have changed towards, which is something I learnt from that week that will never repeat itself again (in Jesus name). Just know God has already done the whole journey in advance, he has seen it all, so give him the wheel and he’ll stir you right, because trying to take control of your life from God just creates an immense pressure we were never made to bear but when we give that control back to God and just trust that he knows what He is doing, we are blessed with, and experience peace that literally leaves us speechless (Col 3:15, Phil 4:7). Finally, worship him in everything, in the good, the great, in advance and most especially the bad. 1 Thes 5:18

Recommended song :

Come of hiding by Steffany G (original song )

Out of hiding/how he loves/ good good father by Tye Tribbett and Lena Byrd-Miles (medley/live)

Heart of worship- Matt Redman